My last real post on here was on April 30th. Wow. It’s hard to believe that this blog that I put so much effort into has stayed stagnant for about three times the time that it was active. (So much for daily updates.)
I started this blog because I was, in a way, not feeling sure about my identity. Like I imagine many others have felt in regard to their identities, I felt like somehow I wasn’t “really” genderfluid and that I was subconsciously looking for attention or something. (Note the similarity between this and a certain unfortunately popular non-binary stereotype. My next non-meta post will probably be about the effects of internalized stereotypes.)
In order to reaffirm my identity to myself, I decided to jump in an incognito window and start an anonymous blog where I could speak freely without a fear of anyone I know judging me or doubting my identity.
Even though a lot of my posts weren’t about topics that directly impacted me, writing this blog helped me out on a very deep level because it allowed me to become more comfortable with my gender identity.
In a post on April 29, I wrote that, “despite running this blog, I’m actually not out to anybody in my life yet.” 11 days later, in a 2 AM text conversation with a friend of mine who I know is genderfluid, I came out about my gender for the very first time. My friend responded positively. They used a bunch of “:D” emojis and said “I’m so proud of you,” and one of my best memories from recent times was created.
My hiatus prior to this was simply because I was busy with school. This didn’t stop, but after I became open about my identity to (some of) my friends, this blog was no longer something that I needed for myself, so it found its way onto the back burner and stayed there.
This blog wasn’t just some sort of self-help tool, of course. The other, and equally if not more important reason I started it was because I wanted to educate people about non-binary-related things. Ever since I left, I’ve wanted to return to it, but I haven’t found the time/energy to do so. (I write my blog posts very late at night because that’s the only time I could fit it in during the school year, and it’s very tiring to stay up later than I normally do to write posts every night.) I still very much want to spread my messages about things connected to my identity. There are too many misconceptions out there, and with this blog, I hope that I will be able to continue to try to spread my message to correct them. With any luck, I’ll be back onto my daily posting schedule soon.
Thank you so much to anybody out there in the universe that might be waiting for new posts! It’s great to be back,
P.S. Some of the things I’ve wrote previously that describe my identity are no longer totally accurate. For example, my strange analogy between gender and optical illusions just seems weird to me looking back on it. I feel like now I’d just describe my gender as something like “I usually go between feeling kinda agender and kinda male, and feeling really female, or sometimes both simultaneously.”