Nonbinary acceptance

It’s almost 2018, and yet many people still think that gender is limited to two binary options. Anyone not conforming to this is met with ridicule and shame.

As a nonbinary person, this feels almost suffocating, in a way. I want to go in public wearing whatever clothes I want. I want to have people (including my parents!) call me by my pronouns and my name. And yet I know that isn’t happening in today’s world. In my head, I envision my parents reacting positively to me coming out, and then I remember that won’t happen.

This is a depressing reality for many, if not all nonbinary people. But we cannot passively accept this. We need to fight for acceptance. We need to encourage each other, and our allies, to fight. We need to remember that one day, we can have a world where we’re accepted as ourselves. But that won’t happen if we don’t take action now.

One of the loudest things you can do is be yourself publicly. Wear a button with your pronouns on the clothes that match your true identity. Correct people when they misgender you. Set your gender on Facebook to what it truly is, for all to see. If you are in a situation where you can do any of these things, please do.

If not, find another way. In my case, I’ve started a blog. Even something as subtle as saying “they” instead of “he or she” makes a difference. If you’re a parent, tell your child that you’ll love them no matter how they identify or how they present themselves. If you’re a teacher, remind your students that gender isn’t binary. It takes seconds for anyone to write a tweet that says “gender isn’t binary.” Remember– every little thing makes a difference.

And if you’re in a place where you feel vulnerable or depressed because of your gender, please remember that you and your identity are valid, and there is an entire community of people like you and I that cares about you and supports you. It will get better.

We all need to keep fighting for our right to be accepted in society, because if we don’t, then no one will.


Update and why I started this blog

My last real post on here was on April 30th. Wow. It’s hard to believe that this blog that I put so much effort into has stayed stagnant for about three times the time that it was active. (So much for daily updates.)

I started this blog because I was, in a way, not feeling sure about my identity. Like I imagine many others have felt in regard to their identities, I felt like somehow I wasn’t “really” genderfluid and that I was subconsciously looking for attention or something. (Note the similarity between this and a certain unfortunately popular non-binary stereotype. My next non-meta post will probably be about the effects of internalized stereotypes.)

In order to reaffirm my identity to myself, I decided to jump in an incognito window and start an anonymous blog where I could speak freely without a fear of anyone I know judging me or doubting my identity.

Even though a lot of my posts weren’t about topics that directly impacted me, writing this blog helped me out on a very deep level because it allowed me to become more comfortable with my gender identity.

In a post on April 29, I wrote that, “despite running this blog, I’m actually not out to anybody in my life yet.” 11 days later, in a 2 AM text conversation with a friend of mine who I know is genderfluid, I came out about my gender for the very first time. My friend responded positively. They used a bunch of “:D” emojis and said “I’m so proud of you,” and one of my best memories from recent times was created.

My hiatus prior to this was simply because I was busy with school. This didn’t stop, but after I became open about my identity to (some of) my friends, this blog was no longer something that I needed for myself, so it found its way onto the back burner and stayed there.

This blog wasn’t just some sort of self-help tool, of course. The other, and equally if not more important reason I started it was because I wanted to educate people about non-binary-related things. Ever since I left, I’ve wanted to return to it, but I haven’t found the time/energy to do so. (I write my blog posts very late at night because that’s the only time I could fit it in during the school year, and it’s very tiring to stay up later than I normally do to write posts every night.) I still very much want to spread my messages about things connected to my identity. There are too many misconceptions out there, and with this blog, I hope that I will be able to continue to try to spread my message to correct them. With any luck, I’ll be back onto my daily posting schedule soon.


Thank you so much to anybody out there in the universe that might be waiting for new posts! It’s great to be back,

Ari (they/them)

P.S. Some of the things I’ve wrote previously that describe my identity are no longer totally accurate. For example, my strange analogy between gender and optical illusions just seems weird to me looking back on it. I feel like now I’d just describe my gender as something like “I usually go between feeling kinda agender and kinda male, and feeling really female, or sometimes both simultaneously.”

How it feels to be two genders at the same time

I’m genderfluid, and with that, sometimes I feel like two genders simultaneously. I am sure that a lot of people don’t know how this feels. This is my attempt to explain it.

When I feel bigender, it’s like I’m that picture with the silhouette of two heads and the vase. When I think of or look at myself, it can be quite different. I don’t see myself differently every single time I think about myself, but my perception and expression can change based on things like my mood or environment that it wouldn’t change with otherwise. Sometimes, however, I feel and see both femininity and masculinity in myself simultaneously. Imagine an image like this one. First, figure out both of the ways you can look at the picture. Then, try to simultaneously see both aspects of the picture. That’s how being two genders at the exact same time feels.

By contrast, when I feel completely one gender, I act like that gender and see myself as that gender 100% of the time. I will act more homogeneously during the day in terms of things influenced by gender, as opposed to those traits changing based on something like the environment I’m in.

I know this is a complex topic, but hopefully this post will help you understand this better.

I’m Ari, and my pronouns are they/them. If you have any constructive criticism, suggestions, etc., I would love to read it in the comments section.

Using binary pronouns as a non-binary person

Note: This post’s perspective may be a bit off because despite running this blog, I’m actually not out to anybody in my life yet. (I’m going to change that soon, though.)

I currently use the pronouns they/them. This is a fairly common choice. However, I have sometimes seen non-binary people say that people can use binary pronouns on them as long as they switch what they use sometimes (i.e. sometimes use she/her, sometimes use he/him). This is usually in addition to a non-binary pronoun.

I can understand the appeal of this. As a person with a non-binary identity that has multiple genders (I’m genderfluid; this can apply to bigender, pangender, etc. too), I can empathize with the desire to have them individually recognized by others. (I was AMAB, and I’ve been misgendered as female exactly once, which was a moment I actually quite liked because it felt like the female part of my identity was being acknowledged when a lot of the time it’s suppressed.)

However, I can see some flaws with this that could arise with some people. (Don’t let me or anyone discourage you from using any kind of identity.) For one thing, if you’re genderfluid, the pronouns people use on you might not always align with how you’re feeling. Also, this method could cause confusion with you and others knowing when you’re being referred to as opposed to someone else. This is negated a lot by people’s ability to use context, though, which makes a larger difference than one might think.

Overall, this approach to pronouns has positives and negatives. I obviously can’t predict how well you would like it, but if you found out something new that you like, that’s great. I personally don’t do this right now, but I’m quite heavily considering it.

I’m Ari (they/them), and I would love to hear your comment.

What does genderfluid mean?

I’ve been a bit busy lately, so I didn’t write a post today. (I’m grateful to the scheduling feature of the blog software for allowing phantom-me to post for most of the time while I was busy.) However, I did write a page on the definition of genderfluidity.

Genderfluid is a name for a gender identity that, simply speaking, moves between multiple genders. This can be any number of any genders, and can happen very quickly, very slowly, or anywhere in between.

To read the more in-depth parts, check out the page here.

I’d love to hear your comment. I’m Ari and my pronouns are they/them.

The importance of listening to communities for definitions

I don’t usually swear on here, but as a bisexual person, it irritates the f*ck out of me when I read the “definition” for bisexual as being “sexually attracted to both men and women.” It irritates me because then people will tell bi people like me that that’s true, and that what we define bisexuality as is not valid.

This doesn’t just happen for bisexuals, of course. Dictionaries (and, by extension, their readers) seem to have a habit of defining sexual orientations and gender identities independently from what the people that identify as them actually have to say.

For example, look at the definition of genderfluid on Google. It says a genderfluid person is “a person who does not identify themselves as having a fixed gender.” This seems okay at the first glance, but then you realize that it never actually claims that it’s a gender. Alas, Google says gender is “the state of being male or female.”

Meanwhile, a blog titled “Genderfluid Support” has a definition of “the feeling of fluidity within your gender identity; feeling a different gender as time passes or as situations change; not restricted to any number of genders.” Note that this says “within your gender identity,” and thus is not denying that it’s a gender like Google is.

And this, unfortunately, happens for almost every single identity. If it’s not even in the dictionary, it happens when people talk to each other and spread false ideas about what some of these words mean.

The lesson that people need to learn from this is that when it comes to identities, one needs to listen to the people that actually identify as them.

I’d love to hear what you have to say in the comments. I’m Ari, they/them.